


Anything It Takes To Make You Stay

by Ellienerd14



Series: Dear Matti [8]
Category: Class (TV 2016), Love Simon (2018)
Genre: Budding Relationship, M/M, Minus the blackmailing plot, Pining, Sappiness, The love simon au we all deserve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-07-19
Packaged: 2019-05-13 08:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14745371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellienerd14/pseuds/Ellienerd14
Summary: 'I want youI'll colour me blueAnything it takes to make you stay' (Troye Sivan)Matteusz has been emailing an anonymous classmate under the alias of 'Star'. But it's not easy fitting into a new school when the only person you feel understands you is a secret. Blue is sweet and smart and kind but Matteusz doesn't know how to find him.And he's not sure if he's ready.





	1. Matteusz

**Author's Note:**

  * For [amatalefay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amatalefay/gifts), [brakebills_student](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brakebills_student/gifts), [gleek_runner](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gleek_runner/gifts).



> Marlie Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/klaineygays/playlist/6AHzcZVAADZPNQbWWBOEvC?si=WmRYGLY-R920Y-MHdr9Xbw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> November  
> (Matteusz)

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 22, 2016**

**TIME: 07:45**

**SUBJECT: Re: My Terrible Art**

 

**Blue,**

**I wonder if you know the definition of ‘terrible’. Like your wonderful personality, your art is beautiful. Your self-portrait was so interesting… do you really see yourself as an outsider? I thought it was just me.**

**I am just like you. That keeps surprising me. I have a feeling if we started talking, we would never stop. Blue, I could talk to you for hours.**

**I would love for you to send more art. And now I know to look for boys with paint-stained fingers.**

**Love star**

 

* * *

 

The door opened and Matteusz dropped his phone onto his bed - face down - just in case it was his parents. It wasn’t, thankfully, only Marcelina rushing in excitedly.

“Matti,” she whined, chucking herself onto his bed, “you are not ready yet! Mummy said you had to walk me to school now or I’ll miss breakfast club.”

“Sorry,” Matteusz replied, grabbing his jacket and half-filled school bag. He was just lucky to have finished his reply to Blue before she stormed in.

“Why are you smiling like that?” Cela asked, sitting on his bed with her arms crossed. She liked to think she was intimating, which was fairly hilarious given that she was only eight years old and hadn’t grown in the last two years since they had moved to England. That didn’t stop Celia acting like she ran their house.

“Am very happy to walk my sister to school in the morning.”

“You were smiling before then,” Cela pressed on, with determination most eight-year-olds didn’t possess. She poked his cheek. “Matti, what is it?”

“You are very nosy. Come on, we can talk on our way there.”

“About this?” she pressed on.

“I think not.”

Even though Cela was probably the only one in the house - in his life - who he could talk to about Blue with, Matteusz didn’t talk about Blue to _anyone._ Blue was a secret held in his gmail inbox and daydreams. Talking about him would make Blue seem real… and he wasn’t ready for Blue to be real. Not yet.

Blue was a _real_ bisexual boy. He went to Coal Hill and had a dorky fringe and was shy around any boys he found attractive.

But in a way, he lived inside Matteusz’ computer.

Cela waved her hand in his face impatiently. “Matti,” she whined again, “come on. I want my breakfast.”

 

* * *

 

Matteusz knew he wasn’t supposed to look for Blue - and he wasn’t quite prepared of what he’d do if he somehow identified the beautiful boy he had been emailing - but he found himself scanning around the hall in assembly anyway. He knew so much about Blue but nothing about his appearance other than the fact he had a self proclaimed dorky haircut; but Blue was in sixth form too, which meant he was there, somewhere in the hall too. Unfortunately, Coal Hill sixth form was pretty big so Matteusz hadn’t found Blue yet.

Tanya yawned and rested her head on his shoulder. “Mr Armitage is painfully boring.”

“I was not paying attention.”

“Exam dates, school prom, no more playing solitaire in ICT ect,” Tanya recapped, rolling her eyes. “I’m more interested in what’s going on with _you_.”

“You are the second person to ask me that today.”

“Cela?” Tanya asked, smirking. “Good one, little sis. What did you tell her?”

“To mind her business.”

The bell rang and chatter broke out despite Mr Armitage’s best attempts to continue his speech on the state of Shoreditch ‘these days’.

Tanya huffed and pushed him out into the hallway. “I’ll work it out. I’m a genius.”

“And oh-so modest.”

Tanya fixed him a look that screamed they weren’t done with this. Great, the last thing that Matteusz needed was someone else wondering about Blue.

Ram pushed them and not-so-subtly looked out for April. The two were in their honeymoon phase, which made hanging out slightly awkward. “Hey nerds.”

“Want some help with your physics notes?” Tanya asked, clearly better at reading Ram’s smile (cute, hopeful, a little sheepish) than Matteusz was.

Ram nodded gratefully - he always had a soft spot for Tanya.“You’re the best, _kid_ _genius._ ”

Tanya flashed Matteusz another know-it-all smirk. “Hear that, I’m a _genius?_ ”

“I was not arguing that part.”

“Hey,” April greeted, weaving through groups of year 12 and 13s with Charlie in tow. Since that completed their small and semi-awkward friendship group, they all fell into step.

Even if he was new to their group, Matteusz knew the dynamic now. Ram and April were the couple that kept them together. Ram and Tanya were old friends and that made Matteusz Ram’s friend by extension. April was always followed by Charlie - a nerdy transfer from some posh private school in Sheffield. He was extremely quiet and smart and sometimes he smiled at Matteusz shyly when they sat opposite each other at lunch.

And even if Matteusz spent almost all day with at least one of them to hang out with, he wasn’t sure if he could ever explain the whole Blue thing to them. (Tanya was the only one who even knew he was gay.)

It was a kinda personal thing - having a secret email boyfriend.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 22, 2016**

**TIME: 16:10**

**SUBJECT: Blushing**

 

**[1 attachment]**

 

**Star,**

**You make me blush. I don’t really like showing people my art. I wish I could have chosen it at A-level (in case you thought it was a clue) but my parents did not allow it. ‘Not a proper subject,’ they said.**

**I always feel alone. Even in a room full of people, I can’t see clearly. I feel trapped. Like an alien looking down at humankind and trying to translate everything with a battery-dead device.**

**Like today, in assembly, I was anxious. I don’t** ** _get_** **_people_** **. And I felt like I couldn’t see in front of me (quite literally because the tallest guy in my year was sitting in front of me…). I always feel like I’m trapped in mist, unable to see anything but fog ahead. The future is unpredictable. I want a map for a clear route ahead.**

**Do you know what it feels like?**

**But, on a different note. I drew you. Well, I drew what you are to me. Glowing. Like sunlight.**

**Love Blue**

 

* * *

 

Usually, Matteusz would click on the attachment straight away - Blue’s art could fill a gallery - but he couldn’t find the energy to do anything but reread a certain section over and over again.

**‘And I felt like I couldn’t see in front of me (quite literally because the tallest guy in my year was sitting in front of me…).’**

Blue had mentioned him. Not just Matteusz-as-Star but Matteusz-as-himself. Blue had been behind him; just a head turn away. Blue had noticed him and for at least twenty minutes stared at the back of his head. The idea was oddly exciting. Maybe Blue had wondered if it was him who was Star and gotten it right for a moment - Matteusz was constantly seeking out signs of Blue in every boy he shared classes with.

(Matteusz knew he wasn’t ready to talk to Blue yet but it was easy to slip into a daydream and imagine the nearest cute boy could be Blue.)

Blue had noticed him. It had to be fate.

When Matteusz eventually opened the attached image to see a beautiful orange sunset with a single golden star in the corner of a sky turning from pastel blue into a gradient to black.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 23, 2016**

**TIME: 00:09**

**SUBJECT: Re: Blushing**

 

**Blue,**

**You draw like Elliott Smith sings. I wish I had a way to thank you with my own art but I am unfortunately talentless in that department.**

**Do you ever find it weird we share a school? I could have walked past you a million times and never noticed you or your (blue) paint stains. It is tragic, in that way.**

**I think of us as lost souls. But if there was anything to add to your drawing, it would be another star next to mine. I do not think that dust of galaxies can hold hands but I think you could imagine it.**

**Love star**

**(Ps It is midnight and I am looking at the sky and thinking of you. I hope you understand this.)**

 

* * *

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: November 23, 2016**

**TIME: 07:17**

**SUBJECT: Re: Blushing**

 

**[1 attachment]**

 

**Star,**

**I added another one. But you are crazy if you didn’t realise that you’re the sunset.**

**Love Blue**

 

* * *

Blue always understood him. Matteusz had started his first email exchange with the words ‘ _I am just like you_ ’.

It was a tumblr post that had started it all. Blue had been poetic and explained everything he felt anonymously on ‘the_Rift’, Coal Hill’s infamous gossip blog. He’d left an email address and Matteusz had reached out because he was frustrated by his parents pretending he hadn’t come out and because he understood how it was to be an outsider looking in.

Blue had written about how life was like an ocean and all he ever wanted was someone to understand; a shore worth swimming to.

Blue was his almost-boyfriend. As close to being a boyfriend when his identity was still a secret that he wasn’t remotely close to solving. But, there was clues, tiny breadcrumbs. If Matteusz wasn’t as equally afraid to be found, he would have found a way to look, to narrow down the three hundred and seven other sixth formers down to Blue. (If he narrowed it down to just the boys, it was a total of only one hundred and forty-two. Not that he would have worked it out.)

There was some irony in Blue being the one closest to him when Matteusz felt so far from finding him. And maybe part of him didn’t want to be found either. It was so easy to be Star with the chance to spell check and proofread. But in reality, if Matteusz found Blue, he’d probably be lost for words.

Blue always understood Star. But Matteusz and the boy behind the profile was a whole different story.

It was so much easier when he could pretend that Blue lived in his head. 


	2. Charlie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December  
> (Charlie)

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 5, 2016**

**TIME: 22:50**

**SUBJECT: Christmas Lights**

 

**Blue,**

**I do not know if you celebrate Christmas but my family are already getting decorations and presents ready. My little sister is already writing her list of Christmas presents. I guess I’m getting too old for Christmas now, which is sad because I used to adore it.**

**Christmas is a big thing in my family. We collect glass ornaments and usually go to midnight mass. It’s wonderful usually but now we are far apart and things are smaller.**

**The reason I write to you so late is because our neighbours are already putting up lights. The neon penguins are shining into my room. They are bright blue so I thought of you.**

**My mother is currently writing a complaint that it is not ‘Christian enough’ so that’s how my evening went.**

**Happy early Christmas/other holiday Blue.**

**Love star**

 

* * *

 

Charlie smiled at the email for a moment before deleting it. Even if he was using a secret email account, he didn’t quite trust his mother to not snoop on his phone; Kate Smith wasn’t known for her caring, maternal nature and Charlie was sure she’d tried to guess his laptop password in the past (he changed it weekly - living with a ruthless politician made him slightly paranoid).

If his mother ever found out about Star, Charlie would lose the first person to ever understand him; Star meant too much to ever risk losing him.

“Your friend is here,” Kate announced, sweeping into his bedroom without knocking first.

Charlie hastily stuffed his sketchbook out of her view and into his bag.

“Which friend?”

“The pretty one,” Kate answered, which didn’t really narrow it down. Charlie only hung around with four people, all of which could be considered pretty.

Logically, it must be April. She lived the closest. And she was only one who would call for him. Tanya and Ram lived too far away. (That left Matteusz, who was in fact very pretty, but Charlie barely spoke to him. He was too shy to talk to pretty boys like that.)

“Thank you,” Charlie replied. There was a silence and he added: “Have a nice day.”

Kate didn’t smile. “You too, Charles. Stay focused and you will achieve amazing things.”

In a way, the daily academic pressure was how Kate showed that she cared.

April was hovering in the doorway, looking mildly uncomfortable, so she had probably been talking to his mother. Poor soul.

“Hey Charlie,” she said brightly, “you okay with walking?”

“Yeah.”

“Great,” April replied chirpily. Charlie was glad that his best friend was that kind of optimistic that wouldn’t let seeing the face of evil (his Mother) on a Monday morning ruin her ability to smile.

April was that kind of person and Charlie was well aware of how lucky he was to have her. April was wearing obnoxious light up earrings (a whole nineteen days before Christmas) which was very much her style.

Charlie stared at the blinking lights as they walked and found himself thinking back to Star’s email. Star kept pouring little parts of himself into every message he sent. Charlie could fill a book with little facts about Star.

“Feeling festive?” April asked, touching her earrings. “It’s already December.”

“Christmas isn’t really a thing in my house. We’ll go Sheffield and my family will guess what I want and then we’ll look at the many fields on a walk.”

It sounded kind of awful outloud. Especially when Charlie thought back to Star’s Christmas.

“Oh,” April said, “sorry I brought it up.”

“It’s okay.”

She squeezed his hand. “No, it isn’t okay.”

They walked the rest of the way in silence.

“If you want,” April said at the gates, “you can spend Christmas with me.”

“I’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO:** **ferriswheeloflife** **@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 6, 2016**

**TIME: 16:25**

**SUBJECT: Re: Christmas Lights**

 

**Star,**

**Christmas at your house sounds very chaotic. I have the opposite problem. We don’t any have traditions or decorations; I feel disconnected from my family, like we’re floating in different orbits.**

**But me and you Star, we share gravity.**

**I apologise for all the space metaphors but the only way I know to express myself is with the sky.**

**Love** **Blue**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 6, 2016**

**TIME: 17:02**

**SUBJECT: Re: Christmas Lights**

 

**Blue,**

**It saddens me that you don’t understand how fun Christmas is. But I understand the complications of family. If it wasn’t for my sister, I think we’d all fall out of orbit too.**

**Isn’t it funny how we talk everyday? It’s like a story my sister once told me about the moon and sun falling in love but never meeting. Beautiful and tragic.**

**star x**

 

* * *

Charlie couldn’t help smiling at the message. He couldn’t stop or control it, it was second nature when reading Star’s emails; almost a force of habit. Charlie had lost all sense of control since they had moved to Shoreditch. London and Sheffield were so vastly different that the move had led to Charlie’s anxiety taking over.

Additionally, Charlie had lost all of his past friends from Sheffield. He was never popular before the move but he had a few friends at his private school that understood about having political parents and the high pressure that came with it. He’d even managed to find Tess, who had tutored him in art and was the only person other than himself who was gay. (Other than Lelia, her girlfriend who Charlie had only met once.) They spoke as much as possible but it wasn’t the same now they were 167 miles apart.

April was only his friend because Mr Armitage asked her to give him a tour of the Coal Hill sixth form and Charlie had accidentally said something funny. But she was his only friend at Coal Hill; he couldn’t help but feel that Tanya, Ram and cute Matteusz only put up with him because of her.

If it wasn’t for Star, Charlie would feel all alone. But somehow, Star made it easier to express his feelings. Usually his anxiety made him feel trapped when talking to people but it was easy to be articulate and funny and thoughtful online.

So Charlie found himself smiling at the idea of the sun and moon falling in love, with a sudden interest in the Christmas lights.

Charlie had always been a science nerd but since his post on 'the_rift' and his first email notification, he had a new appreciation for the stars.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 13, 2016**

**TIME: 23:09**

**SUBJECT: The rift**

 

**[1 attachment]**

 

**Blue,**

**Were you posting on the Coal Hill tumblr again? (Should I be worried you are looking for new email boyfriends?)**

**I know it is hard here, being like us, but saying you only have one person (me?) just makes me sad.**

**I feel strange to type this out, especially with family in the room (I’ll tell them I am texting a girl; they will be delighted), but I think you’re a shore worth swimming to.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

It was only a single character but the little ‘x’ at the end of the email, but it drastically brightened Charlie’s mood. Star was right, it was Charlie’s post on ‘the_rift’ but he hadn’t signed off as ‘Blue’ this time. It felt weirdly good that Star had noticed him from his writing style and thoughts alone.

It reminded Charlie he was right to trust Star the way he did.

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** **bluegalaxy** **@gmail.com**

 **TO:** **ferriswheeloflife** **@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 13, 2016**

**TIME: 23:20**

**SUBJECT: Re: The rift (aka you got me)**

 

**Star,**

**Should I be worried you’re straight-washing our email romance?**

**To be truthful, I didn’t think you would be awake and I’d hoped this would pass by tomorrow so I didn’t want you to wake up to me feeling like… this.**

**You’ve seen the post. I know it’s so sad and so worrying you had to rush to your phone and talk to me. But, feeling like this will pass. I’m sure.**

**For what it is worth, I’d do the same for you.**

**The tumblr is a curse but at least I can be anonymous. And it brought me you.**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: December 13, 2016**

**TIME: 23:33**

**SUBJECT: Re: The rift (aka you got me)**

 

**Blue,**

**I hate to straight wash you too but my family and me are watching the Pope give a speech and being how Christian they are, they may cry if I told them that I was giving life advice to my secret gay pen pal. (What a romantic title, I know…)**

**I have the_rift tumblr on notifications. It’s a terrible gossip hell site, I am aware but yes, it brought me to you.**

**Take care of yourself Blue. Make it to January and imagine all the midnight New Year kisses we aren’t sharing.**

**Love star x**

**(PS do you know that the Pope actually supports gay rights, which always keeps me going on my dark days)**

 

* * *

_Oh._

Star had thought about kissing him. The thought made Charlie blush because he’s never kissed a boy. He’d kissed girls before (two… the bare minimum for a plural) which was nice because he was after all into both. But kissing Star would feel…

Charlie wasn’t even sure there was a word to describe it invented yet. (Maybe he’d invent it one day… but kissing Star seemed as unlikely as him actually touching the real stars. And equally as dangerous.)

Even, if Charlie had done it to protect his identity and Star, he couldn’t bring himself to delete this particular email thread. Instead, he vowed to protect his phone from Kate’s prying eyes.

If Charlie ever met the boy behind Star, he was sure it would be awkward and disappointing. But with Blue and Star, their love could touch the sky and that was enough for _now_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh sweet lovesick Charles ;-; 
> 
> I've gotten a lot of positive feedback from my first chapter so thank you to everyone who commented and messaged me about this fic. It's so nice to hear!! 
> 
> AND if you haven't heard yet, Class has been given not one BUT SIX NEW STORIES VIA BIG FINISH! Finally some good news! 
> 
> Socials :)  
> Tumblr @bazwillendinflames  
> Twitter @ellienerd14
> 
> Comments appreciated! What are your thoughts on Charlie's POV and which do you prefer? And what are your predictions for the rest of this fic?


	3. Charlie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> January  
> (Charlie... again)

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 1, 2017**

**TIME: 11:05**

**SUBJECT: i hate new years**

 

**Star,**

**did you know my head hurts soup much. new years and parties and srinking dont go well together and i accidentally came out last night and now i have regrets and pain.**

**make it go away**

**regretfully blue**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 1, 2017**

**TIME: 11:35**

**SUBJECT: Re: i hate new years**

 

**Blue,**

**‘Soup much’? No capitals? Misspelled words? Where has my cute grammar nerd gone?**

**Sounds like you had a more eventful new years than I did. My parents didn’t want to go out so I stayed at home with them. A little boring perhaps, but there was a sense of unity I will miss.**

**How did friends take it? That is my worst fear… someone finding out and being powerless to stop them judging me. Seeing the way their faces change when they look at me.**

**Perhaps get back to me when your head stops hurting ‘soup much’.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 3, 2017**

**TIME: 09:52**

**SUBJECT: Re: i hate New Years**

 

**Star,**

**In case you’re wondering why I didn’t get back to you yet, I haven’t died from alcohol poisoning. I**

**spend all of Saturday in ‘soup much’ agony (I apologise for the poor spelling… can I go back to being your cute grammar nerd?) and then on Sunday I ended up having a big talk (actually no a Big Talk, with extra capitalisation) with my two friends. They agreed to not out me to the rest of our group, which I always knew they won’t. I ended up telling them about a few cute boys I had a crush on (even if it feels like cheating… sorry), which was awkward because one of those boys is in the aforementioned group (big word! Blue the grammar nerd is back!). It was okay and it felt like a weight off but emotionally exhausting.**

**I guess I feel a little less like an alien now.**

**Love Blue xxx**

**Ps. I found myself thinking of you at midnight on New Years. Here’s to all the kisses we aren’t sharing yet.**

 

* * *

_Was it too personal?_

Charlie felt like they’d gone back to the start when he’d hesitated and double, triple even, checked through every email to Star to make sure that he hasn’t left too many clues. Or made it too awkward or too much _or too personal_.

But, if he had anyone that he could talk to about the whole mess with April, Ram and the New Years Eve party, it was Star. Charlie trusted Star with his life.

He just hoped it wasn’t too much: he didn’t want to scare Star away from him. Not when Star was becoming more and more important to his life.

 

* * *

 

Despite the fact the start of term assembly was probably very important, Charlie was only half-paying attention - he was exhausted because somehow the daily emailing between Star and Blue, had led to them talking back and forth all night. Charlie had accidentally fallen asleep on his keyboard at two am and woken up, five hours later, to a dead battery (and after he’d revived it), three new emails from Star.

The distracted buzzing in his mind was three quarters Star and one quarter exhaustion. April and Tanya’s discussions of the new term turned to background noise. It was effective for cutting out Mr Armitage’s lecture on timetables and hard work and perfect attendance. (As if his Mother hadn’t already given him that lecture that very morning… and the morning before that too.)

The new school term was bound to different, especially now that April and Ram _knew_.

(“It’s okay,” April had told him at the start of the day as they walked to school together, “I won’t tell Tanya or anyone else. You can trust me.”

“I’ve always trusted you,” Charlie replied, even if he was grateful. If it had anyone else, he would have tried to change schools again.)

He just hoped all the big changes in his life wouldn’t mold him into someone that Charlie would stop recognizing. Moving schools, new friends and, now, coming out were bound to change him. And Charlie was different at Coal Hill, in London, than he had been in Sheffield.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: January 8, 2017**

**TIME: 15:17**

**SUBJECT: Happy anniversary Star**

 

**[2 attachments]**

 

**Star,**

**I’m making up for my lack of general rebellion in my ordinary, mundane life by emailing you during school time. And… I couldn’t wait to show you my finally complete project. The lighting is awful, but I tried my best to get a good shot. In case you can’t tell, I wrote all of our first email out into an art piece. Maybe it’s a little much but it’s officially 100 days since my first post. (Happy anniversary!)**

**I have noticed lately how much has changed since last year (the curse of a New Year - the cliche reflective period) and of all the big things that are different, you are the best change.**

**Love Blue xxx**

**(PS. sorry for the sappiness but I have never felt so close to anyone) (I am aware that apology was also sappy)**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**  

**DATE: January 8, 2017**

**TIME: 16:00**  

**SUBJECT: Re: Happy anniversary Star**

 

**Blue,**

**Whilst very sappy, I did find what you had to say very moving. The art you made was visually beautiful and must have taken up a lot of time for you, so I am very grateful.**

**100 days sounds so long, yet I feel like I have known you forever.**

**I know we don’t talk about who we are in real life, but I feel as if we had ever spoken in person, I would know. Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll wear a blue shirt to save me the trouble.**

**Thank you for being a friend.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

_Love Star_ \- Charlie was so used to seeing the words, he could almost memorise how the text looked. Every pixel was committed to memory.

It was a funny thought, but Charlie had a feeling that Star was right. That they’d know without hesitating if they met. Like it would be fate.

100 days after his initial, shaky tumblr post on _‘the_rift’_ Charlie was sat there, thinking about how Star was out there, thinking of Blue, as he was thinking of Star.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, and because I'm sad, I worked out the first email would be sent on the first of October. 
> 
> Also given that I'm not directly part of the LGBTQ+ community myself, if you have any criticisms with how I wrote the themes of this chapter (eg the coming out) let me know how to improve on my tumblr (@bazwillendinflames). I did my best to do the sensitive topic justice. :) 
> 
> I'm lowkey mad I had to do 2 chapters with Charlie's POV in a row but only to pad it out and because big things will happen in the next chapter and therefore I need Matteusz' POV. You'll see.. but drama is oncoming. (Sorry this chapter was so short too.) 
> 
> Comments and general feedback is always appreciated!


	4. Matteusz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February  
> (Matteusz)

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: 21:05**

**TIME: February 11, 2017**

**SUBJECT: Does it get easier yet?**

 

**Star,**

**Do you ever get tired of lying to everyone? I thought the guilt would be easier now someone knows but all it has done is make me more aware of how many people I’m keeping a big part of me a secret from. It’s like an impossible lose-lose situation because if I tell the truth it will change everything, even if not for the worst, which makes me anxious. But, if I don’t say anything I’m scared my family will find out in different ways and be upset I didn’t. Which makes me anxious too.**

**Being teenager isn’t as easy as all the television (who am I kidding? books) I read when I was younger made me think.**

**I wish that things would be easy for us.**

**Help?**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: 21:19**

**TIME: February 11, 2017**  

**SUBJECT: Re: Does it get easier yet?**

 

**Blue,**

**I understand what you mean. It feels as if life will never be easy. But, one day you’ll tell them and it will change things but, maybe the change can be good. (I am trying to be optimistic. Feels right.)**

**I agree. The teenage angst (forgive the melodramatic phrasing…) But to be fair, my life was never easy before my teenage years.**

**Love star x**

**(PS reading can still help! There’s a lot of books about being like us.)**

 

* * *

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: 21:30**

**TIME: February 11, 2017**

**SUBJECT: Re: Does it get easier yet?**

 

**Star,**

**I’m sure you’re right. (You always are.) It just feels like my head will explode if I don’t do anything. It happens sometimes. (Weirdly, I think telling my Mother about you may be easier than my anxiety attacks.)**

**I can always trust you to have my back.**

**Thank you for everything.**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

“Imagine being so in love,” Tanya complained, pulling a slightly childish face at a the various pink decorations in the sixth form common room, “you ignore all scientific evidence on the shape of the human heart.”

“Would you rather April printed accurate photos of the heart? The year sevens may faint.”

Tanya rolled her eyes. “Good.”

“Is not a bad holiday.”

Tanya shifted her focus to him. “There is only one reason why you’d be defensive of Valentine's Day! Who’s the lucky boy?”

Matteusz shushed her, even if Tanya had lowered her voice for the end of her question. Anyone could overhear. “I have no idea what you are implying.”

“I’ll spell it out for you, Matteusz. You fancy… someone. Is it Ram? Please tell me it isn’t Ram - the love triangle is just unnecessary.”

“Is really not Ram.” (Ram definitely wasn’t Blue; he was too busy being hopelessly in love with April.)

“But, there is a boy?” Tanya asked, leaning in with curious eyes. (She had been like this when he had come out to her too. Thoughtful, witty, keeping it light but acknowledging his feelings about the conversation. He had a feeling she already knew.) “A cute one… not that I’d know.”

“It depends,” Matteusz said hesitantly, because explaining Blue was ridiculous, especially to clever, logical Tanya, “I do not have a… I do not have anyone. But what was the cute English term you used?”

“Fancy them?” Tanya offered.

“Yeah. That.”

Tanya seemed to pick up on his growing sense of discomfort at the conversation. “I’ll drop it. But, if you ever want to talk to me, you can trust me.”

“Thank you.”

She stood up. “Want to go print out actual photos of the heart and add it to the display?”

Matteusz laughed at her again - when Tanya had a prank idea, she was committed, which fit her self identification as a ‘Ravenclaw marauder in training’.

“Why am I friends with you?”

She grinned. “Because I’m _brilliant_.”

 

* * *

 

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: 19:00**

**TIME: February 14, 2017**

**SUBJECT: Happy Valentines Gay!**

 

**[3 attachments]**

 

**Blue,**

**I have attached the best Valentine Day cards with terrible puns that google could give me. I am trying to get into the spirit of the holiday and if I knew you in real life, I would make the effort to give you terrible cards and flowers. (My grandmother was a florist, so I have all kinds of romantic knowledge on types of flowers.)**

**Some of my friends are being sappy… others (the ones that are single) hate Valentines Day. I do not know what you feel about the day but since you are the closest thing I have to a real boyfriend (even if you live in my inbox), I just want you to have a reason to enjoy the day.**

**Love star x**

**(PS from one science nerd from another, I’ve got my ion you…)**

 

* * *

Given how rarely their parents went out (and the fact he was happy to spend the night on an email date with Blue), Matteusz had agreed to look after Cela. He was used to the routine of taking his little sister to school, walking her home, making her food if needed. Their Mother was a nurse, so she worked odd hours. That made the rest of family life a little out of sync but as the oldest child, Matteusz understood the importance of helping them out.

Their parents never went out on dates. It wasn’t because his parents didn’t want to, but most of their money went towards Cela and his schooling. It was a lack of opportunity that limited their parents ability to go out, which made it so nice to see them dressed up and excited. Cela was following their Mother down the stairs chatting about how pretty she was looking.

“Thank you Matti,” she said,”maybe you will have girlfriend next year.”

“Maybe,” Matteusz mumbled back, thankful for Cela’s ongoing chatter.

“Be good, moje dzieci,” she replied, as she followed their Father out the door.

 _You’d have to love someone a lot,_ Matteusz had realised a while ago, to move to a whole different country with them. To start over and trust that your relationship could cope with a much harder life so things could be easier for your children. Even if they weren’t supportive about everything (they saw his coming out as a kind of attention grab because they had been busy planning the move at the time; Matteusz had a feeling they had made themself forget), he still respected all they did for the sake of making things easier for him and Cela.

Still, whenever he thought of acts of true love he didn’t think of running through an airport (illegally) to stop someone getting on a plane like the movies but getting on plane to start over with them somewhere new. That was the kind of love that he hoped to find himself one day, even if not in the way that they wanted for him.

“I like seeing Mummy so happy.”

“Yeah, me too,” Matteusz agreed.

“Can I have Oreo ice cream?” Cela asked, “if you say yes I will not ask about your phone.”

Blue’s emails - she had noticed. Typical nosey younger sister.

“Only a little.”

“You are the best brother in the world!” Cela said with so much enthusiasm that it made Matteusz forgive her for micro-blackmailing him for extra deserts.

That, and the fact Blue had just replied, made him smile.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: 20:28**

**TIME: February 14, 2017**

**SUBJECT: Re: Happy Valentines Gay!**

 

**[1 attachment]**

 

**Star,**

**Here I am hand painting you a card to express my affection when I could have googled ‘bad Valentines day cards with puns’. I can’t tell who I’m more disappointed in. Either way I have attached my hours upon hours of hard work to this email.**

**Although my inner science nerd did enjoy the pun…**

**Valentine’s Day is interesting. I didn’t realise how many displays of affection that I’d witness in the common room. Which mostly made me upset because the idea of holding a boys hand in front of everyone  alone terrifies me. (Although maybe I’d make the expectation for you.)**

**Now I’m curious… how would you describe in me in flowers.**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: 20:35**

**TIME: February 14, 2017**

**SUBJECT: Re: Happy Valentines Gay!**

**[5 attachments]**

 

**Blue,**

**Ion very sorry about the puns.**

**Your art is always stunning. Although I am not starting to question if you only like to draw the sky. Maybe we should switch sign offs - you are clearly the one who loves the stars, not me.**

**As for flowers, based off my own knowledge, google and a strict blue colour scheme, here you go:**

**Heliotropes which symbolise** **eternal love.**

**Iris which are for royalty (you do talk sometimes like some kind of Prince, I always grammar check before I email you) and respect.**

**Morning Glories which show affection.**

**Crocus which are for our youthful happiness (when we talk to each other at least).**

**Finally: Violets, my favourites which show loyalty, devotion and faithfulness.**

**Happy Valentines Day Blue. I may have spent the day eating oreo ice cream and looking at terrible cards, but at least I could share that with you.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

The next morning, Matteusz woke up to an email from Blue with an attached sketch of a bouquet, made up of the five flowers types he had emailed Blue about yesterday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH NO MY PLAN! ...This was only one bullet point as part of my fic plan but I got carried away and suddenly 'Cute Valentine’s Day cards with puns and art because they’re soft' turns into its own chapter.  
> But next time... there's drama...
> 
> Big shout out to Angy for being the sweetest ace bean and beta-ing this so I wasn't presenting the struggles of coming out in an insensitive way. (BUT if I can do better, let me know!) 
> 
> Let me know what you thought! Any predictions on the drama to come?  
> BONUS: Every comment gets an out of context extract from my plan which I'm sure you all want. It's full of gold.


	5. Matteusz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> February (again)  
> (Matteusz)

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 21, 2017**

**TIME: 16:19**

**SUBJECT: A picture is worth a hundred words**

**  
** **[1 attachment]**

 

**Star,**

**Since talking to you, I’ve found a new love for art. I’ve almost filled up my sketchpad full of galaxies and alien doodles. When I was younger, I wanted to work at NASA so I could actually touch the stars. I know it was a big dream and very inaccurate, but since I was a lonely child, little daydreams like that helped me get through the day.**

**So, here’s me touching the stars. In the form of a sketch, but I suppose that is one way to achieve childhood dreams.**

**I don’t realise how wistful I am inside my head until I write it down for you. (I can’t tell if it’s embarrassing or romantic.)**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

******  
** **FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 21, 2017**

**TIME: 17:45**

**SUBJECT: Re: A picture is worth a hundred words** **  
**  


**Blue,**

**I can not tell if you are thanking me, but I can only guess that you are - in which cause, you’re welcome. Your art is always so beautiful, so please keep showing me.**

**I do not know you or what you look like, but I can see you smiling as you draw or paint or do art.**

**It is the things we are passionate about that make us our self. In that way, I feel as if I know you because I understand how you love drawing and science and sweet foods like oreos.**

**Love star x**

**(PS. as for being wistful with me, not only is it romantic and quirky, it is adorable - please tell me about how you watch clouds or how you talk to birds like a Disney prince.)**

 

* * *

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 21, 2017**

**TIME: 18:03**

**SUBJECT: Re: A picture is worth a hundred words**

 

**Star,**

**I know you are joking, but I’m sure that if we went cloud watching together, it would be very wistful and romantic. I’d bring the oreos for us too.**

**Love Blue xxx**

 

* * *

Since they had talked on Valentine’s Day, Tanya had backed off a little about Blue, or at least about the mystery boy. But, either Matteusz had spend too long looking at his phone and smiling or ten days was too long for her to go without following up on their brief conversation about his love life.

“Can I have a hint?” Tanya asked, trying to lean over his shoulder and read his screen. “Not a full name? Maybe just initials?”

“The first letter is ‘f’, followed by ‘u’-”

“Matteusz!” Tanya sighed. “I get you’re a private person but we are mates. You don’t have many people you can talk about cute boys with. So,” she leaned over again, even if Matteusz had already put his phone away, “please?”

“You are very nosey.”

“I have a natural intellectual curiosity.”

“Yes, we all know you are in Ravenclaw,” Matteusz replied, even if she was starting to wear him down a little bit.

Tanya was right - they were friends and she was one of the few people he could trust to talk about Blue with. It would be nice to indulge and just feel a little bit normal - most teenagers liked to talk about their crushes.

“I’ll go first,” Tanya offered. “I’ll tell you about who I fancy if you do the same.”

“Is that really true?”

“Yes.” Tanya ran her hands through her braids, which was a sign she was being serious - she only played with her when she feeling anxious.

“Okay.”

“We’re in the same boat.”

“What?” Another strange English phrase. “Boats?”

“It means that we have the same the situation,” Tanya explained. “Just forget the phrase, yeah? The thing about my crush is she’s… a she. A girl.”

“Oh,” Matteusz replied, “so is boat a metaphor for being… like us? Is it weird English slang for being gay?”

The tension from Tanya’s face was seemingly lifted and she laughed. “No, it is not. So, want to gossip now?”

“Yeah, okay. But, maybe not here?”

Tanya nodded. It was almost lunch and whilst it was relatively safe to talk during their free revision period, the sixth form would soon be full of other students. Too risky.

“We could go out,” Tanya suggested. “But, we may have to run there.” She nodded at the window, where it was heavily raining outside.

“We could get an umbrella from the lost and found cupboard.”

“Smart,” she agreed, “let me get my jacket first.”

As Tanya headed off in the direction of her locker, Matteusz headed in search of an umbrella.

Amongst odd shoes, forgotten textbook and a few old coats, he looked for an umbrella. Luckily, there was one at the bottom, rolled into the back corner.

That wasn’t what Matteusz was looking at. One of the Rhodia notebooks with fancy blue covers was left at the bottom. It seemed out of place in the store cupboard so he picked it up and flicked through it.

It wasn’t full of notes but artwork. Whoever owned it was clearly very talented, but the style was oddly familiar in a way Matteusz couldn’t figure out until he reached an image he had already seen.

It was Blue’s notebook.

It was more than just a coincidence because it was more than just one doodle that Blue had sent him. There was countless doodles of stars and sunsets and cartoon UFOs that Blue had written about or shown him.

“Hey.” Tanya frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Matteusz said, putting the notebook in his bag and picking up the umbrella he actually came for. “Ready?”

“Seriously, you look like you saw a ghost. Did you- I have this theory Coal Hill is haunted.”

“Is about him. But, it is a long story.”

“I’m listening.”

 

* * *

 

By the time Tanya had stopped rambling about her crush on a red haired poet in her original year group, Matteusz had finally processed the fact he had found his first tangible clue about Blue’s identity.

“And Clove is just - so, so _beautiful_ ,” she finished, “hey! Are you even listening to me at all?”

“Yes. Mostly.” Matteusz smiled at her. “You are very adorable in your crushing.”

“Thanks,” Tanya replied, looking down. “Do not repeat how soft I was about her.”

“I promise.”

“Do you think I have a chance?” Tanya asked, with a rare hint of vulnerability.

“You two are friends. I have not had a boyfriend,” (it felt strange to say it aloud, like it was even a possibility) “but knowing someone is important. I am sure if you made your affections known, you may be surprised.”

“Stop,” she said, but Tanya’s smile gave away how pleased she was with his answer. “So, you and your mystery boy.”

“Is complicated.”

“I bet,” Tanya said, smirking, “but, I am a genius. So, I am sure I can keep up Matteusz.”

“Remember the post on ‘the_rift’ a few months ago about someone being lonely and isolated because they were bi and unable to tell anyone? Was about how we find it hard to connect to people and all we want is a shore worth swimming to.”

“Yeah,” Tanya answered, “I remember that post. I always wondered if that was you?”

“No,” Matteusz answered, “I am not - it was Blue and he left an email address. So, I send him a message, saying I understand. He replied and we kept talking. He is nice and talented and a little bit funny. I really like talking to him. Is easy to connect to him.”

“You have an email boyfriend?” Tanya asked. “That’s strange. I mean, no judgement but isn’t hard. Not knowing?”

“In a way, is easy. I can say anything and not worry about it being weird. Blue is real but I feel like he lives in my computer.”

Tanya nodded along. “Anonymity is an advantage. But, aren’t you curious about who ‘Blue’ really is?”

“Sometimes. I have this now,” Matteusz passed her the notebook, “the drawings are his. I recognized them from the email.”

Tanya flickered through it and then frowned. “Matteusz, I think I may have solved your mystery.”

“Funny. You are not that smart. You can not know Blue from a notebook alone.”

“No, I do not.” Tanya held open one of the last pages, where a sketch of April holding a flower was. “But, we know someone who knows Blue.”

 

* * *

 

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: February 24, 2017**

**TIME: 18:00**

**SUBJECT: The Truth**

 

**Blue,**

**Tomorrow, I am going to find out who you are. I do not mean to scare you. I do not want things to change.**

**Just, do not leave me. I do not think my heart could take it.**

**Truthfully, I am Matteusz Andrzejewski.**

**I hope we can cope with real life because you made me feel so normal and I may be in love with you.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

 

 

**EMAIL SUBJECT ‘THE TRUTH’ HAS BEEN SAVED TO YOUR DRAFTS AT 18:15.**

**UNDO | ACCEPT**

 

* * *

 

“Are you sure you want to know?” Tanya asked, hoovering in the doorway. They both had April in sight and just in case Blue connected the dots, Tanya was going to give her the notebook.

“What do you mean?”

“I won’t tell you. You clearly care about Blue, so finding out who he is… are you honestly ready?”

“Yeah,” Matteusz said, “I think I would cave and eventually ask you. Knowing now, it is easier.”

“Okay then,” Tanya took the notebook, “let’s find out who Blue is then.”

“Thank you for this,” he said, “I will help you with your girl after this.”

“Maybe we can ask Blue. His tumblr post was very poetic,” Tanya joked. “Sorry.”

“Is okay.”

She went over to April, leaving Matteusz to only watch them talk. It was hard to guess who Blue was from the conversation, apart from a moment when Tanya froze and her jaw dropped, just a little.

“Matteusz,” Tanya said, grabbing his arm, “are you sure?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

“Well then,” Tanya said, turning him around so they were both focusing on where April was sitting, “you are about to see him.”

“What?”

She shushed him. “ _Look_.”

Matteusz turned his focus on April too, slightly confused by the turn of events, but with an unexpected sense of anticipation of finally knowing.

“Is just Charlie and Ram.”

She shushed him again as April passed the notebook over.

Matteusz finally had his answer: Blue’s real identity was Charlie Smith.

Soft spoken, shy Charlie who had barely spoken a sentence in his presence was Blue. Matteusz didn’t think Blue would be someone he already knew, let alone someone who he shared two subjects with and sat across the table from all year.

They had been so sure that they’d know if they had met. But Charlie was the last person Matteusz would ever expect.

**‘I know we don’t talk about who we are in real life, but I feel as if we had ever spoken in person, I would know. Maybe I’ll get lucky and you’ll wear a blue shirt to save me the trouble.’**

At least Matteusz was right about one thing, because Charlie was wearing a blue shirt.

He swore softly, in Polish, and turned to Tanya.

“I don’t need a translator to know what that means. And same.”

“What do I do now?”

“Honestly,” Tanya said, “I don’t know.”

Neither did he.

_But this would change everything._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drama begins... Next up Charlie's POV about the truth being discovered.
> 
> This one was an emotional rollercoaster, not just the plot but to write it. I had a bit of a crisis over characterisation tbh. But, everyone's take on characters are different so I hope you like mine! 
> 
> Please make the effort to comment! It took me about 2 hours to write this (even if some of this time involved planning, it was a lot of effort!) 
> 
> Thank you for any kudos or comments!


	6. Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> March   
> (Charlie)

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE:** **March 3** **, 2017**

**TIME: 18:15**

**SUBJECT: The Truth**

 

**Blue,**

**I have to admit that I have been afraid to type this email. Before you read on, just know that I trust you. If it was reversed, I would be afraid too but trusting still. What I know, what I will tell you, is big and it will change everything. But, I care about you too much to keep this a secret forever.**

**I know who you are. I can not explain why without you knowing who I am. But, recently I found out your true identity. I was shocked and taken aback. But when I got home, I reread every email you have ever sent me. And, then I realised I was reading them in your voice in my head. It makes sense, looking back, and I know you are shy but I know you so well.**

**Moving from this to real life is a little intimidating; I understand this Blue. But, please, do not leave me - my heart could not take losing you. Not when you understand me so well.**

**I know it would be easier to not tell you. But, I saw you today. I never thought I would actually get to see you other than a name on a screen. You looked so alone, even if you had your friends there. And, I find myself thinking that I could have made you feel at ease.**

**Please, stay.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE:** **March 7** **, 2017**

**TIME: 17:05**

**SUBJECT: Re: The Truth**

 

**Star,**

**How am I supposed to reply to something like that? How am I supposed to trust you now? I asked you in my first reply that things happening between us are online only. You promised you wouldn’t ask who I was. And, now I am left trying to guess if you maliciously looked for me or if you just found me by accident.**

**Most importantly: how do you know that I am who you think I am?**

**Blue**

 

* * *

“Have you slept? You look terrible?” April had been firing questions at him since history started. She seemed to pick up on his heightened anxiety like some kind of holistic detective. 

“I- no.” 

“What’s wrong?” she asked, practically turned around in her seat to look at him directly. “Is it your Mum?” 

Charlie only really had the energy to shake his head in reply. “No. Not this time. I’ll work through this by myself.” 

April frowned. “Why?” 

“Why…?” 

“Yes why. Why do you feel the need to work through it yourself Charlie?” she asked, as close to impatiently that she was probably capable of. 

“It’s not easy for me. Like it is for you. You’re dating Ram and it’s just so easy for you. I couldn’t- I can’t- I can’t be with the person I want.”

April’s face soften. “Charlie, I can help you. I can understand;  _ we are friends _ .” 

“That doesn’t mean you understand everything I’m going through!” Charlie replied, slightly too loudly at her. A few students that found their argument more entertaining than their marking their homework worksheets looked over curiously. 

“Charlie,” April whispered, although the damage was already done - they had half the class’ attention now. 

He was already gathering his stuff and shoving it haphazardly into his bag. Everything with Star, his sleepless nights and the new attention was kicking his anxiety into full panic mode. 

“Mr Smith, I need you to explain why you’re leaving.” 

“Charlie!”

He walked out, trying too hard not to be upset. This was typical of his anxiety - it was easy to control sometimes - but when the stress and other problems in his life started to build up, something as simple as people staring could make everything so very hard. 

Given he had walked out mid lesson, Charlie was hoping there would be an empty hallway but there was a few of the other sixth formers hanging around and talking. Some looked at him as he escaped the stuffy history room, but no one seemed to notice him. 

The only person who had noticed him was Star and now that seemed less romantic and more sinister. It was like a ticking clock above his head. It was only a matter of time - as much as he wanted to trust Star - until something bad happened. 

“Charlie mate?” Tanya, who Charlie had been too preoccupied panicking to notice till now, touched his arm. “You look- well it doesn’t matter. Come on, let’s go to the common room.” 

Charlie only really had the energy to nod and let her drag him along. He wasn’t that close to anyone else other than April and Tanya was at least three years younger than him. That wasn’t going to stop her forcefully taking him to the common room and putting on the kettle.

“Shouldn’t you be in lesson?” 

“Shouldn’t you?” Tanya fired back. “Chemistry experiment went wrong. It was brilliant.” 

“An explosion?” 

Tanya nodded eagerly. “A massive one. I’m surprised the fire alarm didn’t go off. So, we get a free period. What happened in history?” 

Part of Charlie wanted to just lie so he could be left alone but given that Tanya was busy pouring him a cup of tea in the set of tattered mugs that belonged to the sixth form. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything to her that would push her away. That was exactly what April had said:  _ Why do you feel the need to work through it yourself Charlie? _

“April and I - we just - argued. And then everyone looked at us and that’s the worst part and then I walked out and everyone looked at me again. It kind of feels, like I can’t breath, when people look at me.” 

“Hey, hey,” Tanya said, “no one is looking at you now.” 

“She’s my only friend,” Charlie continued, “and I can’t even talk to her now.” 

“All friends fight, you idiot.” Tanya pushed the mug into his hands. “And April is so ridiculously nice that she will take one look at you looking like shi- I mean, emotionally um upset? Anyway, she’ll hug it out with you before long Charlie.” 

“Are you sure?” 

Tanya rolled her eyes, “in case you haven’t noticed, April is basically a Care Bear.” 

“You’re good at advice.” 

Tanya beamed. “I’m a genius in more than one way.” She raised her mug to him. “And, here comes the Care Bear herself so don’t look too blue.” 

The irony of her words was not lost on her. 

He stood up: _ “April.”  _

_ “Charlie.”  _

They looked at each other. 

He swallowed. “I’ll try to explain. But, it’s hard.” 

“I’m listening.”

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE:** **March 10** **, 2017**

**TIME: 19:15**

**SUBJECT: Who you are...**

 

**Blue,**

**Before I go on, please please please, you need to trust me. I know you - I know your soul - and I understand you must be panicking. But I do not want you to fear I will say anything.**

**Here are ten things I (think) know about you:**

 

  * ****You have blue eyes****


  * **You have blond hair**


  * **You take physics, history, maths and politics**


  * **You are shy and socially awkward**


  * **You only joined our school in september**


  * **You talk in a posh accent that is rather cute**


  * **You wear a lot of blue**


  * **You are from Sheffield**


  * **You walked out of your history lesson yesterday**


  * **I never really noticed you before now and I regret that because you are beautiful and shining.**



 

 

**I am not disappointed that you are you.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE:** **March 10** **, 2017**

**TIME: 21:18**

**SUBJECT: Re: Who you are...**

 

**Star,**

**I don’t know how else to say this: you are right. I am who you thought I was.**

**You say that you are not disappointed. But it doesn’t matter.**

**Please, allow me to trust you by keeping who I am a secret still.**

**I just can’t do this anymore. It’s costing me too many sleepless nights, too many panic attacks, too much stress. I can’t go on like this.**

**Just, please don’t talk to me anymore.**

**Blue**

 

* * *

**FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE:** **March 11** **, 2017**

**TIME: 07:33**

**SUBJECT: Re: Who you are...**

 

**Blue,**

**Please you can not leave me.**

**I understand that you are afraid but so am I. I won’t talk to you in school. I won’t reveal the truth.**

**If this is the last email I send that you will actually read, I just want you to know that talking to you was the best part of my day. Every day. I do not want us to go down like a ferris wheel when we were once so important to one another.**

**I will tell you who I am. If it will make things easier. If it will make you stay - I would do anything it takes to make you stay.**

**Love star x**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does Charlie perspective make things simpler or more complex? And how will he react when 'star' is revealed to be Mattuesz? Tell me your predictions! 
> 
> Charlie's anxiety is based off my own experiences in school. 
> 
> Feedback via comments, tumblr or kudos welcome and encouraged! ^_^


	7. Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April  
> (Charlie)

**FROM:** **ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

 **TO:** **bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**DATE: March 11, 2017**

**TIME: 07:33**

**SUBJECT: Re: Who you are...**

**  
** **  
****Blue,**

**Please you can not leave me.**

**I understand that you are afraid but so am I. I won’t talk to you in school. I won’t reveal the truth.**

**If this is the last email I send that you will actually read, I just want you to know that talking to you was the best part of my day. Every day. I do not want us to go down like a ferris wheel when we were once so important to one another.**

**I will tell you who I am. If it will make things easier. If it will make you stay - I would do anything it takes to make you stay.**

**Love star x**

 

* * *

There was only so many times that Charlie could reread the same email. There was nothing more that Charlie wanted to do than to find a way to reply - even if he had already told Star that he wouldn’t speak to him again.

It felt too important to delete, given it was Star’s _last_ email. The last thing he wanted Charlie to know before he made good on his threat and cut Star off forever. And no matter how risky it could potentially be to save it on his phone, Charlie couldn’t delete it. He couldn’t _delete Star_ completely from his life.

He still couldn’t find the right words to express it all yet, but it was worth another try.

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** **bluegalaxy@gmail.com** **  
** **  
** **TO:** **ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com** **  
** **  
** **DATE: April 10, 2017** **  
** **  
** **TIME: 02:39** **  
** **  
****SUBJECT: I’m sorry**

 

**Star,**

**I don’t know how to say this and I’m definitely not going to send it so it doesn’t matter if I can’t find the right words. Well it does matter because you matter and I don’t want to lose you.**

**But you’re already gone. It’s all my fault - or at least partially my fault - because I told you to go.**

**It’s been a month now and you haven’t exposed me. So, I guess you were right. I should have trusted you from the start to keep who I am a secret. So I’m sorry I didn’t; you’re a good person Star.**

**You haven’t even spoken to me either because no new boy has and if you have been looking I haven't noticed. I’m sorry because I feel like maybe you are looking and I haven't noticed because I’m too busy missing you and thinking about you.**

**It’s so tempting to just send this to you… to reach out. But I know why I can’t. You know too much and I can’t tell you anything else because now you know who I am. I’m scared if I’m too honest and tell you how much I care about you or how genuinely heartbroken I am, you might do something stupid like send me flowers or talk to me.**

**I might like that. But it’s the hundred ‘what ifs’ in my head holding me back. It’s too unpredictable, but words on a screen, I can control.**

**I’ll stop emailing you in the middle of the night one day…**

**I would usually sign off as Blue but what’s the point now you know who I am?**

**Love Charlie xxx**

 

* * *

  

Charlie woke up on a half closed laptop. It wasn’t the first time, given the only time he ever found peace was being online, pretending to be anyone else but a lonely Shoreditch teenage stuck in London.

More recently, he had fallen in the bad habit of staying up rereading Star’s old words and thinking about easily he could have fallen in love with him if there were more words, more emails. 

And most importantly, if Charlie wasn’t so afraid that reality would cause everything they had to crumble. 

 

* * *

 

“You need to start sleeping properly,” April instructed. She had gone the whole mile: frowning, arms crossed and lecturing. Since he had explained to her that was heartbroken over someone he never met, April had deemed him in serious need of self care and reminded him that at every opportunity.

Charlie played with his fringe. “Do I really look that awful?”

“You just look exhausted. And sad,”  April explained. “Are you sure you don’t want to try talking to him? Whoever he is, since that part you won’t tell me before.”

“I keep trying but I can’t find the right words.”

“Any words are better than radio silence,” April replied. “But I know it’s hard for you. Just, take care of yourself yeah.”

“Yeah,” Charlie repeated quietly; April beamed at him, pleased her lecture had its intended effect on him.

Ram sat down between them, pushing one of the ugly sixth forms mugs in April’s hand. He kissed her cheek too, which made April beam even brighter. No wonder she was so good at romantic advice: she only ever looked radiantly happy around her boyfriend. It made Charlie feel weird watching such casual acts of affection. Mostly because he could have it - how many times had Star hinted that he wanted an equally real relationship?

Ram grinned at them both. “Have you seen Tanya? She looks weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Scheming,” he replied. “Her and Matteusz were having such a in-depth conversation she didn’t even notice me walk past.”

“Right,” April said, nudging him, “because it’s every girl’s duty to notice _you?_ ”

Charlie laughed and they both looked over at him.

“Anyway,” he continued, “if the school is set on fire, we know who’s responsible. She looks positively wicked and it’s almost unsettling. Like she’s giving off pure Slytherin vibes.”

Charlie nodded and got up to make his own drink as Ram continued to make a long list of bad Harry Potter related puns whilst April tried very hard to look unimpressed at him. True love. Or as close to it as teenagers could manage.

“He is so not cool.”

Charlie looked up startled.  

Matteusz ran his hand through his hair. “Did I scare you? Sorry.”

“I didn’t see you,” Charlie replied, surprising himself. He rarely spoke to Matteusz despite him being part of the group just as long as he was. Longer, if he counted the fact Tanya and Matteusz were friends in year eleven, whilst he was in Sheffield. “You’re right though: Ram really isn’t cool.”

“You never do.”

“Never what?” Charlie asked.

“Does not matter. We just do not talk a lot.”

“You never talk to me either,” Charlie replied, which made him seem like an idiot. (It was all very primary school - well, what he imagined primary school to be like based off books, given he had a tutor for most of childhood.)

“Maybe that is the problem. If no one starts talking, we will never say anything and are stuck in a permanent state of silence.”

“That was very poetic.”

Matteusz smiled. “Maybe so. More poetic that ruining J. K. Rowling’s hard work through a series of bad jokes.”

“It’s in his nature,” Charlie said. “Where’s Tanya? Ram thinks she is up to something.”

Matteusz didn’t seem fazed by the fact that Tanya was probably plotting. “She is always up to something.”

Charlie nodded along. He had never had such a long or coherent conversation with a person he found attractive before. (Maybe it was the sleep deprivation.)

“Do you want a drink?”

He blinked. “Yes?”

“You are just,” Matteusz pulled the empty mug from his hand, “distracted.”

“I’m tired.”

“You look like you went to sleep at 3AM.”

“I did. At almost exactly 3AM.”

Matteusz tapped his head. “I am holistic.”

“I didn’t think anyone else used that word. Even Tanya called me a posh loser for using it.”

“Maybe we should have been speaking before now. I would never call you a loser.” Matteusz smiled at him. “I am making Tanya coffee. Let me make you something.”

“I can manage,” Charlie said, feeling the sudden need to avoid eye contact. Stupidly cute boys did that to him.

“Listen to Ram’s bad joke yes. I will make you tea.”

“Thanks,” Charlie agreed, “don’t judge me but I have-”

“Four sugars,” Matteusz finished.

“How did you know that?”

He smiled again. “I am holistic remember. Or a very good guesser.”

No one ever guessed four sugars. Or enabled him in that way. It was bizzardly flattering that Matteusz had noticed that at all.

“And Charlie-”

He turned, “yeah?”

Matteusz looked embarrassed. “Does not matter. I just had something- like I said, does not matter. I will tell you another time.”

 _It was a weird interaction,_ Charlie concluded later, _weird but familiar. He just couldn’t work out why._

 

* * *

The one thing Charlie was not expecting when he got home was a new email notification from Star.

He promised himself that he would cut him off, but Charlie felt drawn to the little red dot until he caved in and opened up the latest email from Star.

Given the subject was ‘Re: I’m sorry’, the same as his drafted at well past midnight email, Charlie came to the sickening discovery he must have accidentally sent it.

He had broken his own rule and now Star had replied to him. 

And Charlie couldn’t be more eager to open up his latest email.

 

* * *

 

 **FROM:** **ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

 **  
** **TO:** **bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

 **  
** **DATE: April 10, 2017**

 **  
** **TIME: 08:02**

 **  
** **SUBJECT: Re: I’m sorry**

 

**Blue,**

**I have a terrible feeling that you may have sent that by accident, given it was send at 3AM and you started it with ‘I don’t know how to say this and I’m definitely not going to send it’. Just little things like that make me think that this was not meant for me to actually read.**

**Yet, I have read it. Call it desperation or missing you or fate but I felt as if I should. Seeing a notification from you gave me a new hope. And I have read your words so many times just to know they are real. That you are real.**

**I think I am going to have to do something big and scary. I am not sure if you will read this anyway but I think we can only be vital for so long Blue.**

**You signed off with your real identity. So will I.**

**Love Matteusz**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *MIKE DROP*
> 
> I was going to add more with Charlie's reaction but it's more fun to make it suspenseful. (Fun for me at least.) But, what are your predictions? And on could a ferris wheel that may or may not come up soon have to do with anything? Hmm 
> 
> So, what do you think?


	8. Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April  
> (Charlie)

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 11, 2017**

**TIME: 01:21**

**SUBJECT: Re: I’m sorry**

 

**Star,**

**How do you think the truth will fix anything?**

**It’s late and I’ve been thinking about what to say for hours but that’s all I have left. Sorry - I’m still so sorry - but it’s just that question. All I have to say to you now after all the messages.**

**That and I’m sorry. But you already knew that.**

**Blue**

 

* * *

 

“Charlie, wake up.” His Father shook him gently as he uncurled himself from around his laptop.

“Am I late?” he mumbled, half-hoping he could just avoid school and by extension Matteusz (or Star… they were the same person).

“You think your mother would let you be late?” he asked in return. “You have plenty of time but you didn’t get up for your alarm and I was worried.”

“Sorry,” Charlie replied sheepishly. The drama with Star was now affecting his home life as well as his friendships. He’d end up with a nervous breakdown before the end of the week at this rate.

“It’s not just sleeping in. We’ve noticed that you have been quieter than normal later, talking about your friends less, walking out of lessons.” His Father looked him in the eyes with a softness Charlie had herited. “Char, if there is something going on, you can tell us.”

Charlie wished this talk would come at a different time. He’d fallen asleep at a ridiculous time at the morning because he’d been consumed by anxiety at having to talk to Matteusz about the emails. He was in his pajamas and exhausted and anxious. Maybe that would qualify him for a parental talk but he wasn’t ready for one.

“What could be going on with me?” Charlie asked back.

“Your Mother has this strange idea it’s a girl. The pretty one you walk with.”

Charlie shook his head. “April… no. She’s my friend only. My best friend.”

“I said as much but you know her, Kate always thinks she’s right. But I told her, he’s our son, we’d notice if he fell in love. If you had a girlfriend.”

“How?”

“You’d be a little happier,” he replied, frowning, “is there something you want to tell us Char? Am I wrong? Has some girl broken your heart?”

“Not a girl,” Charlie said. He had intended for it to be quiet but his Father looked up. He covered his mouth as if it take back the words in the air.

“Charles,” (he never used his full name unless it was a serious matter, like moving to London last year), “is there something you have been keeping from us?”

“No. Yes.” He averted eye contact. “You were both right, in a way. I am in love… just not with a girl. And I don’t even know if you can call it love because… it doesn’t matter. I need to get ready now.”

“Wait,” his Father said firmly, “Charles, do you really think I would change my view of you?”

“Yes,” he answered honestly, “it doesn’t matter because it’s over and I can no longer look Matteusz in the eye. Next time I have a boy or girl that I care about… I don’t know what I’ll do. Not this. I know you want to talk but can I just go?”

Charlie never spoke to his parents like that. It had the intended effect and his Father shuffled out, casting a worried glance at his son, which went unnoticed by Charlie all together.

 

* * *

 

He had managed to avoid Matteusz, despite his best attempts to catch Charlie’s eye in physics class. Miss Quill had yelled at them both for being distracted during the lesson, leading to them being the last ones to leave.

Charlie couldn’t help but feel as if he was trapped and tuned out as Miss Quill told them in detail how if they this distracted they would definitely fail. There was some war metaphors mixed in too, but he wasn’t paying attention.

It was the closest together they had been since he found out that Star was Matteusz. Possibly since Matteusz figured out he was Blue. Too close. Too much at stake. Charlie was itching to escape.

“Totally abysmal. I’d give you detention if I had faith in the ability to make a change. Out!”

Charlie nodded and clutched his backpack so he had something to do with his hands. He felt unsteady and out of control.

Given that Quill had cut into ten minutes of the next period, the only people in the hallway were her next class who trailed into the open door. After Miss Quill slammed the door behind her class, they were all alone.

“Where do we start?”

Charlie swallowed. “We- we don’t.”

“I understand that you are nervous but so am I.”

“You started this. You found out who I am and you told me and then you told me again who you are! I was happy with us being online only. I was happy with us being strangers and you took away my safety blanket.” Charlie fell silent after his outburst as if someone had flipped a switch inside of him.

“I was not trying to be malicious.” Matteusz breathed in, far too calm and prepared. It only made Charlie feel more vulnerable. “Your email - the one you did not mean to send me - it was like a sign.”

“That I didn’t like change.”

“We were at a stalemate,” he countered, “we were never going to speak to each again. How is that fair? Losing you, how is that fair at all?”

Charlie turned away and started walking away. The corridor was suddenly too small, too stuffy, too much.

Matteusz followed him. “Charlie!”

He pushed the door open and stepped outside. Some field he had never been on before but it was quiet at least. There was space to breath here but his chest still felt unnaturally tight.

“How do you think the truth will fix anything?” Charlie asked, repeating the question he had emailed Matteusz last night. “Knowing who you are, it does not make things better. I’m just as upset that you looked for me.”

“I did not look for you,” Matteusz said. “Not actively. I used to look at the other boys and wonder if it was you but I never _looked._  I speak English, not badly, but less good than you. Than anyone here. I can type easy and spell check and translate if I need to. Why would I look for you when talking to you online is so much easier. I just found it… I found a link to you.”

“What link?”

“Your notebook.”

He shook his head.

“April gave me that.”

“But I found it,” Matteusz said. “I saw your drawing that I knew were for Blue. It was a clue and I asked her and she gave it to you. So I knew you were Blue. That is how.”

“How did you know to ask her?” Charlie asked slowly, “no, no, no. Tell me you didn’t look in my notebook. At everything I drew for my eyes _only_.”

It was the first time Matteusz had to pause before answering. “Yes. I am sorry.”

“Looking at my art, that was like… like looking at my soul. It’s so personal.”

“I know but I have already seen into your soul. You showed me every time you messaged me. I got to know you from the inside out.”

“That’s the point.”

Matteusz shook his head.

“The point was not feeling alone.”

“I liked being someone else.”

“You said, in your email, that maybe I had been looking and you not noticing. And here we are and you are proving yourself right because I am looking at you and seeing you Charlie. Seeing everything and understanding you completely. But you never look at me. Not even now.” Matteusz turned away. “I know you so well that you are about to say you can not be doing this anymore.”

“How-”

“Because I am looking Charlie,” he said softly, “I am always looking.”

But how was Charlie supposed to believe him when Matteusz had already disappeared from his sight?

 

* * *

 

When he got out, his parents were out. It was a relief because the last thing Charlie wanted was another confrontation.

He opened his laptop as soon as he reached it and opened up his tumblr page. It wasn’t anything special just alien doodles and classic literature quotes. But he typed in ‘the_rift’ and opened up the blog. He scrolled back through pointless drama he felt disconnected to until he reached his original post.

**October 1st 2016 | 7:40pm**

**The_rift:**

**ANONYMOUS: People are like houses with big walls and small windows. We only get a peek into what they are ever feeling, thinking, doing. Who they are truly is protected by layers of bricks. Even me. But I also have the blinds up to hide the truth - that I’m gay. No one understands me. (1/2)**

He scrolled up to his next post.

**October 1st 2016 | 7:55pm**

**The_rift:**

**ANONYMOUS: In a way we all have secrets that make it hard to connect. We’re at ocean and looking for a shore worth swimming to. I haven’t found one yet but if you understand me (or if you care) you can contact me: bluegalaxy@gmail.com Maybe we can be alone together. Love Blue. (2/2)**

This post Matteusz and seen and connected to and emailed him to. It had been over a hundred days and countless emails exchanged. Now he had broken that by shouting at Matteusz that he wasn’t caring enough. When all he had been doing was trying to break down the bricks that cut Charlie off from everyone else.

A shore worth swimming to. A house worth exploring. A boy worth more than Charlie.

He closed the tumblr browser and opened up his email.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 11, 2017**

**TIME: 20:57**

**SUBJECT: Making you stay**

**[1 attachment]**

 

**Star,**

**‘How do you think the truth will fix anything?’ Today I tried looking at you for the first time with this question in mind. How could reality ever be better than hiding?**

**The reality is I am closed off. I find it hard to connect. I barely spoke to you before because you’re too good looking and that scared me a little. You’re pretty and I let that be enough for me. But now I can connect you to Star, the boy I am probably in love with, I can see you. Really see you.**

**And I’m still scared. But here’s my phone number. So we can slowly go from being hidden by a computer to real life. If you call, I promise to answer.**

**I know I was not a nice person to you. I know I was cowardly and mean and I only saw you as trying to break my walls.**

**Maybe I need you to let the light in.**

**I was never going to give up on us. I promise that.**

**Love Blue xxx**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drama omg. I added a lot of dialogue to build up the tension and add some dynamic movement to their argument - just trying something new to see if it works! 
> 
> I think Charlie lashing out when he's feeling insecure or out of control is very in canon. All characters are flawed and in 'Detained' you can see as he unrevalles he acts out, even on his bf, a sweet guy. (The best. I love him.) In the same way Matti is quite impulsive with his actions such as picking up the rock and making the first move at prom. 
> 
> Let me know your feedback! I really enjoyed this chapter and I have big plans for the final two. (HINT: look at their usernames/gmails. ;) for the setting)


	9. Matteusz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Matteusz  
> (April)

**FROM:** **bluegalaxy@gmail.com** **  
****  
****TO:** **ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com** **  
****  
****DATE: April 10, 2017** **  
****  
****TIME: 02:39** **  
****  
****SUBJECT: I’m sorry**

 

**Star,**

**I don’t know how to say this and I’m definitely not going to send it so it doesn’t matter if I can’t find the right words. Well it does matter because you matter and I don’t want to lose you.**

**But you’re already gone. It’s all my fault - or at least partially my fault - because I told you to go.**

**It’s been a month now and you haven’t exposed me. So, I guess you were right. I should have trusted you.**

**You haven’t even spoken to me either because no new boy has and if you have been looking I haven't noticed. I’m sorry because I feel like maybe you are looking and I haven't noticed because I’m too busy missing thinking about you.**

**It’s so tempting to just send this to you… to reach out. But I know why I can’t. You know too much and I can’t tell you anything else because now you know who I am. I’m scared if I’m too honest and tell you how much I care about you or how genuinely heartbroken I am, you might do something stupid like send me flowers or talk to me.**

**I might like that. But it’s the hundred ‘what ifs’ in my head holding me back.**

**I’ll stop emailing you in the middle of the night one day…**

**I would usually sign off as Blue but what’s the point now you know who I am?**

**Love Charlie xxx**

 

* * *

 

Matteusz had never been waited this long between talking to Blue before.

Usually he checked his email as soon as he and Marcelina got back from school and replied as quick as possible. Even when Blue had stopped replying and warned him he wouldn’t start again he still checked his email with regularity, hoping that maybe Charlie would give him a lifeline and reach out.

Expect when he did get an email from Blue _(from Charlie)_ it wasn’t the heartfelt love letter he had been hoping for but desperately lonely, in the same tone of his initial post on _‘the_rift’_. Charlie had rambled into the void of the internet in the middle of the night and somehow sent it by accident.

It was the saddest thing he had read and even though it wasn’t meant for his eyes, Matteusz replied anyways in the hope that it would end the silence.

He had been watching Charlie since he had found out that was boy behind the emails. Since Matteusz had really started paying attention to him, Charlie being Blue just made sense. Even Blue’s first post about being isolated had more weight to it after connecting it to Charlie moving across the country only a month before that. Little details started to add and Blue and Charlie Smith stopped being separated in his mind.

If Charlie was Blue… than it gave Matteusz another reason to fight their relationship. Not just because Charlie was attractive but because Charlie was kind and endearing and smart. That much Matteusz had known even from their limited interactions before the truth had come out. Now with everything he knew from their emails too, he understood Charlie’s heart too.

There, in a single notification, was his sign that he had to talk to Charlie. Tanya had edged him on eagerly and eventually he saw his shot as Charlie stepped away from Ram and April to the drink station.

Matteusz followed him, overhearing a terrible pun about ‘being Siruis about our relationship’ which April laughed at, shaking her head.

Charlie was staring at them, looking wistful; Matteusz had a horrible feeling he was thinking about Star. About him.

Gathering his courage he stood besides him.

_“He is so not cool.”_

 

* * *

 

“You didn’t tell him?” Tanya asked, sipping her coffee. “I thought you said you would today.”

“I tried,” Matteusz protested, “I just… I think it would have scared him off.”

“He’ll be scared off when he reads the email later though,” Tanya pointed out.

Matteusz nodded, thinking back to the risky reveal he had send. Charlie clearly hadn’t read it given he was surprised Matteusz had even spoken to him at all.

“What did you write for that bit?” she asked. “Nothing gross I hope.”

He dug his phone from his pocket and reread the final lines of his earlier message to Charlie. “I put: _‘You signed off with your real identity. So will I. Love Matteusz.’_ Not too gross.”

Tanya smirked. “You put _‘love’_ that’s pretty gross. And by gross I mean romantic.”

“We always sign off like that.”

Tanya laughed, “double gross. How do you think he’ll take it?”

Matteusz wasn’t entirely sure. But one way or another, he knew it would end the silence between them.

“We will find out tomorrow.”

 

* * *

 

“I know you so well that you are about to say you can not be doing this anymore.”

“How-”

“Because I am looking Charlie. I am always looking.”

 

* * *

 

The news that Matteusz is Star does not go well with Charlie. That much is obvious after they argue outside. The first conversation in real life and it had only achieved upsetting them both. Matteusz had walked away out of pure fraustion and a refusal to cry in front of Charlie.

What had he even be expecting? That Charlie would be delighted and proclaim his love? That there would be kissing? He wasn’t an idiot, no matter how much he felt like one.

Charlie was clearly disappointed at his true identity. He was willing to give up on them and maybe that was best. In his first email, Blue had said he never wanted them to meet and he was clearly right. Everything was easier when they could be oblivious.

 

* * *

 

When he arrived home, Matteusz gave Marcelina enough chocolate that she’d be too busy to ask any more questions and went upstairs. He carefully avoided his computer in favour of picking up one of the audiobooks on his shelf. He’d brought them from his home and listened to them whenever he missed his own language or home.

He lay down and turned the volume of his book up until it drowned everything else out. Music would work too but at least he could close his eyes and pretend to be somewhere else. (No matter how ironic picking ‘The Chronicles of Narnia’ was.)

 

* * *

 

Luckily his parents were both working late because they would ask all kinds of questions about why their son was sulking in his room, half-asleep.

Unluckily, Marcelina was more nosey than both of his parents put together.

“Matti,” she whined, sitting next to him, “what is wrong?”

“Nothing.”

She paused the book. “Matti,” she continued, “get up. This is sad. And your phone keeps going off. And I’m hungry.”  

“Sorry.” He sat up, feeling guilty at neglecting his younger sister.

He checked his phone but it was only texts from Tanya asking about Charlie that filled his screen. Back to silence it seemed.

    

* * *

 

Matteusz managed to avoid using his phone till the next morning. He awoke - to his immense surprise - a new email. 

He was hopeful until he realised it was probably a warning or a break up or another sad midnight ramble.

 

* * *

 

**FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: April 11, 2017**

**TIME: 20:57**

**SUBJECT: Making you stay**

**[1 attachment]**

 

 **Star,** ****  
****  
**‘How do you think the truth will fix anything?’ Today I tried looking at you for the first time with this question in mind. How could reality ever be better than hiding?** ****  
****  
**The reality is I am closed off. I find it hard to connect. I barely spoke to you before because you’re too good looking and that scared me a little. You’re pretty and I let that be enough for me. But now I can connect you to Star, the boy I am probably in love with, I can see you. Really see you.** ****  
****  
**I’m still scared. But here’s my phone number. So we can slowly go from being hidden by a computer to real life. If you call, I promise to answer.** ****  
****  
**I know I was not a nice person to you. I know I was cowardly and mean and I only saw you as trying to break my walls.** ****  
****  
**Maybe I need you to let the light in.** ****  
****  
**I was never going to give up on us. I promise that.** ****  
**  
** **Love Blue xxx**

* * *

 

It took three rereads for Matteusz to actually believe what he had read. The attachment was a screenshot of Charlie’s number as promised. Another connection to the boy he liked.

He was torn between calling and deleting the email all together. He was still hurt that Charlie’s first instinct was to cut him off completely. To lash out and try to prove they were not meant for each other. Now he was backtracking and claiming to pick up.

Matteusz wasn’t convinced yet. However, he still saved Charlie’s number on his phone as ‘Blue’. He would call at some point, he promised that, but now now. It was too risky with his parents in the house and he hadn’t decided what to say yet. Or how to say it.

**‘Maybe I need you to let the light in.’**

The feeling was mutual. Matteusz needed to let Charlie in too and he had just the place in mind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the chapter I expected to write but here we are anyways. I did intent for this chapter to be about Charlie and Matteusz making up and then getting together but I needed his POV on the events of the past few Charlie centric chapters, which took longer than I realised. Luckily for you, this means that you all get an extra chapter. 
> 
> Thoughts? Predictions? FeedbacK? 
> 
> Let me know :)


	10. Matteusz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> April  
> (Matteusz)
> 
> You can vote in the poll about the epilogue in the link below:

**(WANT TO HELP CHOOSE THE EPILOGUE?[ VOTE HERE](https://twitter.com/Ellienerd14/status/1018546733226319877).) **

* * *

Even though it felt cruel, Matteusz put off calling Charlie until Sunday. He hoped it wouldn’t give him the wrong idea that Matteusz didn’t want the chance to talk to him and clear the air between them. The truth was, he hadn’t stopped thinking about him since he had received the latest email from Charlie.  

_ But… two days.  _ A lot could change in that time. 

 

* * *

Marcelina had been pestering him about the charity funfair since her school handed out leaflets. It was only a short walk away, which she spent the whole time babbling excitedly about rides and sugar she definitely didn’t need, given how hyperactive she already was. Given her joy at going, Matteusz was torn between feeling bad for only taking his sister for selfish reasons and enjoying how innocent she was. 

Originally he hadn’t planned on going at all, but a recent phone call from their Babcia had put their parents in a bad mood and they’d be snapping at each other all day. There was only so much fighting he could handle, so getting out of the house with his sister in tow was a nice change. (Even married couples argue sometimes, which made Matteusz feel a little better about Charlie. It put things in perspective.) 

By the time they arrived, it was already busy and crowded. Neon lights and fairy lights lit up the streets, interweaved with food stands and rides. 

“Can I really go on whatever I want?” Marcelina asked, pulling on his arm impatiently. “Matti, stop looking at your phone!”

Matteusz turned it off and turned to her to answer, “Sorry, yes.” 

“You look sad,” Marcelina said, “are you worried about Mummy?” 

“No,” he answered. She was still frowning. “Are you? They will be okay. Missing home I think.” 

“Me too.” 

“Will visit soon,” he promised her, even if Matteusz wasn’t that sure. He opted to distract her, he didn’t need another thing to worry about. “Let’s get you tickets.” 

 

* * *

Matteusz waited until Marcelina had run off with some of her school friends (after getting her parents contact details first, he couldn’t risk losing her) with her coat pockets full of the ride tickets he had brought her. She was holding hands with them, a long winding line of excited eight year olds, eager to play. It was refreshing to see, especially after being wrapped up in his own problems for so long. At least for now, his sister had a simple life. 

Now he was actually alone, Matteusz was faced with the task he had been putting off: calling Charlie. He could only hope that he would make good on his promise to pick up. 

It felt a little strange to be calling him after all the months just emailing back and forth. A little too easy and too normal. 

Maybe they had earned an easy option. 

 

**CALLING BLUE…**

 

_ “Hello,” _ Charlie sounded the same on the phone, a little posh in an endearing way,  _ “please tell me that’s actually you.” _

“It is,” Matteusz replied. “Hello Charlie.” 

_ “I’m sorry.”  _

“So am I,” Matteusz replied, “I thought telling you would mean we would magically work out in real life. I should not have done that.” 

_ “I shouldn’t have cut you off. It just made us both miserable. I missed talking to you a lot.”  _

“Me too. That is why I thought if I told you who I was would be easier. I thought it would force us to talk.” 

Charlie laughs.  _ “You weren’t wrong. Is this the part when I apologise about arguing with you? Because-”  _

“I think we have said  _ sorry  _ enough now,” Matteusz cuts him off, “we are going nowhere by talking about how things were bad with us in the past.” 

_ “So, where do we go from here?”  _ Charlie asks. _ “It’s obvious we have a connection. That sounds really dumb way to put it. But, I think we understand each other a lot.”  _

“I agree.” 

There was muffled noise in the background as Charlie spoke. It made it difficult to understand  what he was saying.  _ “I think- like- you were my person. You are my person.”  _

“I can not hear you.” 

_ “Sorry, it’s the rides,”  _ Charlie replied.  _ “But I was saying that we maybe should-”  _

“Rides? Are you at the funfair too?”

_ “Yeah. Are you here? That’s weird. Like… like we’re lucky.”  _

“Like fate?” 

_ “Yeah,”  _ Matteusz could almost hear the smile in Charlie’s voice,  _ “like fate. I’m by the ferris wheel and the go-karts.”  _

“I am by the ferris wheel too. But I can not see any go-karts or you.” 

_ “I think we are on different sides,”  _ Charlie said, _ “I can’t help but think that’s a bad sign.”  _

“Let’s meet in the middle then.” 

 

* * *

There wasn’t much of a queue for the ferris wheel so by the time Matteusz had found Charlie, they only had a few seconds of waiting before they could get on. That wasn’t enough time to talk anyway, so they just stood together, listening to buzz of the other people and staring at each other - when the other wasn’t looking at least. 

Matteusz wasn’t sure why he was nervous. He and Charlie had cleared the air so the risk of them arguing again was slim. And Charlie didn’t look different, he was even wearing the same kind of clothes he always did: blue plaid shirt, cuffed jeans, his bright blue jacket. It was a familiar sight and even in an unfamiliar location like the funfair, Charlie wasn’t any different. 

Expect he was seeming to pay attention to him now. Not just as Tanya’s friend that Charlie occasionally made eye contact with, but as Star, or maybe as himself; either way it was exhilarating to just be together. 

“This is weird,” Charlie said, “not because of you… just because of the real life part. I feel like I might mess it all up.” 

“I think,” Matteusz replied, “we will be okay. Is a good sign, being here.” 

“Ferris wheel of life,” Charlie smiled, “like your email. It’s a shame there’s no blue stars.” 

“I meant the good sign was us being together.” 

Charlie looked away and it was getting darker, so it was hard to tell if he was blushing, like Matteusz suspected, or just awkward. 

“That is the best sign.” 

The stepped onto the ride, squished together on the seat. 

“So,” Charlie began, “now we’re in real life, maybe we should decide how… or what we are. There’s easier ways to put it.” 

“Are you trying to ask me out?” 

Charlie looked away again, but it was more obvious than before he was blushing now. “I think so. How am I doing?” 

“This is just… too Disney.” 

“How can it be ‘too Disney’?” Charlie asked, “you make it sound bad.” 

“Nothing is this perfect. It feels like a dream. I am sitting on a ferris wheel with you, touching the stars. This can’t possibly be my life.” 

Charlie leaned forward and took them both by surprise by gently holding onto his neck and kissing him. The passenger car they were sat in rocked slightly with his movement but neither boy really paid attention to their surroundings. If they had, they would notice they were at the top of the ride, gliding along the clear sky and missing the best view in the funfair. But both Charlie and Matteusz were too caught up with each other; this was the most in synch they had been in real life yet. 

When Charlie pulled away, slightly breathlessly a moment later, he laughed to himself. “I can’t believe I did that.” 

“I am not complaining.” 

Charlie’s face lit up. “So, did that feel like you’re dreaming?” 

“A little bit,” Matteusz admitted, smiling at him like Charlie was one of the Disney princes he had crushed on when he was younger. It still felt Disney… too perfect. But in the best kind of way. 

“I think that’s a good thing.” 

“Yeah, me too,” Matteusz agreed, “I have never kissed a boy before.” 

Charlie kept touching his mouth without registering it. “Me neither. I’m glad it was you.” 

“All those emails, all those messages and talking, it let to this.” 

He took Matteusz’ hand carefully. “Don’t tell me it’s too Disney now.” 

This time, it was Matteusz who leant in and made the first move. 

_(If Matteusz had known that when he first emailed Blue that it would lead to this - their first kiss in the cool night air, that Blue would be the strange posh boy he had known all year, that they'd spend the rest of the night with more kissing and bribing Marcelina with candyfloss and that he'd walk Charlie home - he would have not have hesitated in sending his first email at all.)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE'RE FINALLY HERE! 
> 
> This was my favourite and also trickiest chapter to write. I really enjoyed giving them a nice scene with no angst. The ferris wheel scene was one of the highlights of 'Love Simon' for me... even if I did it in a much different way. This one goes for Angy aka my number one fan lol. 
> 
> I'd love to hear YOUR THOUGHTS on this! 
> 
> And remember to vote on the poll for the next chapter/epilogue you can pick the setting and narrator! Or let me know on tumblr or in the comments! 
> 
> Thanks for all the support! ^_^


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> October  
> (Matteusz)

_“I like this. Even if it is unconventional, I think you may be just the person I need. You really are a Star.”_

Matteusz grinned at his boyfriend’s reflection of the laptop screen. Charlie was shaking his head - a habit he’d picked up in the last thirty minutes of reflecting on their emails. “When do we get to read your emails out loud?”

“After we have finished with yours Kochanie.” Charlie sighed but clicked back to his search bar anyway. “Read the one you wrote me when you were hungover next.”

“No,” Charlie protested covering his face and groaning, “you just want me to be embarrassed.”

“Maybe so,” Matteusz replied, trying to steal the laptop from Charlie’s lap. His boyfriend pulled it away, laughing. “Your idea.”

He was still pouting. “I thought rereading these would be a nice date." 

Matteusz smiled at him. “It is very sweet. That was my favourite one from you.”

Charlie looked at him, “really?”

“No.”

“Matti!” Charlie shook his head but he wasn’t very convincing at pretending not to be amused. Matteusz kissed the top of his head and any attempt to seem serious faded from his face. “Not the hungover one.”

“Okay,” he replied, “I know, find the one about our assembly first.”

Charlie typed it in. “What think are you going to laugh at me for next?”

Matteusz nudged him, even though they were already sat close enough together their legs overlapped and Charlie was leaning back on his arm. It was comfortable to just sit like that, cuddled together and scrolling through Charlie’s laptop, logged in to his _‘bluegalaxy’_ gmail address.

Since it was their unofficial anniversary - _Blue and Star’s_ anniversary technically - they’d spent the whole day together. It was strange to think only a year ago that Charlie had been posting on _‘the_rift’_ and Matteusz had send his first email. Now they were a real couple out to most of the sixth form and Charlie’s parents. (His own parents were a different story but at least Marcelina was supportive. In her own way.)

“I was so sad then,” Charlie muttered to himself. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“Here,” Matteusz highlighted a line in it and quoted it to him, _“Like today, in assembly, I was anxious…”_

“When am I not?” Charlie asked.

_“I don’t get people. And I felt like I couldn’t see in front of me (quite literally because the tallest guy in my year was sitting in front of me…).”_

“I didn’t even realise I put that in,” Charlie said, “I mentioned you. Like actually you.”

“That was the moment I thought _‘I must know this boy’_ ,” Matteusz admitted, “I mean I was not looking for you. But we were so close then and we did not even realise it at all.”

“We were close to each other for months before we realised.” Charlie smiled. “Idiots.”

“We are here now.”

“Lucky me,” Charlie replied. He was smirking. “Your turn to be embarrassed!”

Matteusz kissed Charlie for a long moment. When he pulled away Charlie’s eyes fluttered open and he laughed.

“That is cheating.”

“Are you complaining?”

Charlie found a sudden interest in his laptop again. “I mean… no. Can I at least pick a cute email. Like the Valentine’s one?”

“I have no problem with you reading the ones where I am charming.”

“This is why I couldn’t look at you before you were my actual boyfriend,” Charlie said, “you were too good looking. Even something like that is charming.”

“Aw,” Matteusz nudged him, “you had a crush on me.”

“We’re dating.”

“Is this where I find you wrote a love story about us? Under some dorky username like ‘your-dark-blue-shadow’.”

“Don’t bring that up again.”

“It was a lovely quote you send me.”

 _“Either way, we are going to bring beautiful things into the universe,”_ Charlie finished. “But so angsty.”

“Everyone is angsty in high school.”

“I suppose so,” Charlie agreed softly, “I remember back in Sheffield there was a nearby school that was set on fire as a sign of love from one hipster to his ice skater boyfriend. I mean _I love you_ but there will be no fire.”

Matteusz stared at his boyfriend, lost for words, charming or not. “What- what did you say?”

“That there was a couple that burnt down a school. It was real… like my Mother was in the council so she had to sort it. Apart from Tess they were the only couple I knew of like us. But I didn’t know them personally. I went to a private school not a grammar…” he trailed off, “Matti, are you still listening?”

“You just said that you loved me. I- I love you too,” Matteusz blurted suddenly, _“Charlie…”_

He covered his mouth in an almost comical fashion. “I didn’t even realise I said that. And it was the first time and it was in the middle of this story about… hey... you said it back.”

Matteusz bit his lip. “Yeah. Well I do love you too. If it was not obvious already.”

“Great!” Charlie’s face lit up into a beautiful smile and he leaned forward to kiss him. “I- this is great. This is better than deep fried oreos.”

“Kochanie,” he started. Matteusz paused. “I do not know what else to say. But you are just… amazing.”

He kept smiling radiantly.  “I’ve never been more grateful for ‘the_rift’ before.”

Matteusz laughed and kissed Charlie, letting the world fade away.

_Blue and Star._

_Matteusz and Charlie._

Somehow they ended up here. He had no idea but he would do anything it takes to keep Charlie right there in his arms.

 

* * *

 

 **FROM: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com** **  
** **  
** **TO: bluegalaxy@gmail.com** **  
** **  
** **DATE: October 1, 2017** **  
** **  
** **TIME: 23:09** **  
** **  
** **SUBJECT: Hey you**

 

**Just because it is not official yet until I send it.**

**I love you Blue.**

 

* * *

**  
** **FROM: bluegalaxy@gmail.com**

**TO: ferriswheeloflife@gmail.com**

**DATE: October 2, 2017** **  
** **  
** **TIME: 19:35** **  
** **  
** **SUBJECT: Re: Hey you**

 

**I love you too Star.**

**(Ps. see you later for our date… in real life… we got there eventually)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS OVER! I can't tell if I'm happy or if I'll miss it. I really enjoyed exploring the beautiful story of Simon and Blue with Marlie. Thank you for all the support! I found myself updating more and more because of you guys! 
> 
> Last chance for feedback! And let me know what fic I should start updating soon in the comments... (my soulmate au, my SJA crossover, macsingh fics, hogwarts au, pastel punk au... so many rip me) 
> 
> I love you all! For me of me check out my twitter or tumblr!

**Author's Note:**

> This has lived in my notes for SO LONG so it's nice to set it free into the world.
> 
> Both Love Simon and Class are great media that I adore, so crossing it over felt right. 
> 
> Follow me!  
> Tumblr - @bazwillendinflames  
> Twitter - @ellienerd14 
> 
> Feedback appreciated and encouraged (because writing takes a lot of effort). :')


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